Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
