Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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