Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
