the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
