Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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