I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
