I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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