This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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