god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
how drunk are you?
Several
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
