my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
