smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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