Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
