1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
