listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
