I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
