She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
how does that bad decision feel?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
