I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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