Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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