I just saw a hot homeless man
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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