Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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