There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
