dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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