Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
