I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This is my gift to your gina
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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