I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
