my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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