dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
