I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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