She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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