So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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