i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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