Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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