wanna go halves on a baby?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How's work?
Spinning.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
