Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
