I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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