I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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