He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
