he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
