i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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