Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
