your thong is hanging out like whoa
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
