I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
