Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Those nachos came to me in a dream
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
