We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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