Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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