What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
