Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
