Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
