Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
