I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
